Sunday, 4 March 2012

Susan's Addictive Relationship

Dear Babs,

I've been in an on off relationship for 4 years with my ex from when I was a teenager, he got in touch on Facebook and since then my life has been a living hell.

At the time he got in touch he was married and I was with the father of my child. We live in different countries but met up a few times and realised there was still a very strong bond there. I left my partner and he left his wife. At that point he just lost his nerve really. He was supposed to come here but I think giving up his career and moving to a foreign country (in Europe) was just too much for him.

I never really got over the break up but I tried to get on with my life, met someone else and things were ok.

The problem is that I don't feel anything close to what I felt for him. He gets in touch every couple of months filled with remorse and says he realises he made a mistake, but gradually the contact dries up and its heartbreak all over again. This whole thing has destroyed my new relationship and we're now in the process of splitting.

My ex tells me that I'm the love of his life, he can never give me up, but he's living with someone else now. He seems in a constant state of confusion about what he's doing.

I just find it very hard to let go and not reply when he gets in touch because I've never really felt like that about anyone and I guess he hasn't either .

I just feel like this has gone on too long and I'd like an end to it, problem is we've both said that so many times in the past 4 years and it never happens, one of us always gives in (usually him) and the other always responds (usually me).

I'm just not sure where to go from here.

Thank you

Dear Susan

Thank you for writing to me. What can I say?  I found your closing comment 'I'm not sure where to go from here' quite depressing. This man has been messing you around for 4 years and you are questioning what to do?

To be honest It feels to me as if you are both living a fantasy. A fantasy which prevents you both from having a meaningful relationship with anyone, let alone each other. I am not being flippant when I suggest you read my blog Do What You've Always Done Get What You've Always Got.  Please take specific note of the video at the bottom of the post.

My best advice would be to ask yourself what is in this for me and what would you be saying to a friend in this situation? I am sorry you are in pain but the only way to stop an addiction is first to admit you have the addiction. Because in my opinion that's what it is. There is a good publication which I'm sure you will find illuminating entitled 'Is It Love or Is It Addiction' on my books and ebook page. I would recommend you read it. 

I would also suggest you access some individual counselling to help with your feelings of loss and to help you understand what made you go into the relationship and to hang onto it so destructively.  I do hope you start taking care of you.

1 comment:

  1. I do hope Susan can bring herself to do what you suggest - as you said it is like a fantasy; having been in a similar relationship once I can tell you it is a fantasy.  The truth is that if this man really cared for you and you for him you would have been together before now. Also consider the effect of all your upheaval on your child - I didn't and damaged mine. Fortunately, they are super people and have forgiven me but shouldn't have had to suffer. 
    Susan, please listen to Babs - she does know what she's talking about and you need to think better of yourself and your child than this.