Saturday, 18 February 2012

My Partner Is A Serial Cheater

Dear Babs

I am a 28 year old Accountant and I have been with my partner for 4 years. I guess you could call him a serial cheater. He is in a job where he's in contact with the general public and is constantly meeting attractive women and he acts on his impulses. He seems unable to consider the consequences of his actions which always come to light one way or another. Three months ago I decided he was never going to change and we split. But rather than that being a final decision we seem to be going around in circles. He keeps texting or ringing and we have met up several times. He wants to try again. I think mainly because he can't stand the idea of me calling it a day. I keep wondering if I've been too hasty. I have had two relationships before, both of them lasting a couple of years and both were ended by the partner. Do you think we could work it out? 

Dear Mandy 

If I answer your question 'could you work it out'. I guess the answer is yes it's possible. Is it likely? Well you would both need to do a lot of good communicating and devise a plan for improving the relationship. It seems on the face of it you don't know when or how to say no and stick to it. I know you had a dominant father and that your pattern is to go along with things but this really is a case of 'do what you've always done get what you've always got'. It does feel as if you need to start taking control and taking care of yourself.

You didn't give details of your partners past but he sounds as if he enjoys the thrill of the chase but isn't able to stay attached once he's achieved his goal. In fact it sounds as if he keeps repeating that pattern with you. He chases succeeds and then the relationships ceases to have value and he chases again. This is of course a way of feeling good and validating himself which when you think about it is quite sad.

So what you seem to have is two people who don't feel they have value unless someone is with them and the more unsatisfactory it is the more it reinforces their own low value of themselves. I think the best thing would be for you both to work out singly or together what your individual fears are. It's your choice of course but there would be those who would say don't waste your energy, tell this man no, and start working out what you really want for you.


  1. I would be one of those people who would say - dump him and stay away. He has got to grow up and value a relationship, you have got to start realising that you have a right to a decent partner who would treat you as equal in the relationship and not as someone to return to when he gets fed up with his latest plaything.
    Stand up straight and say I deserve better than this and mean it - because you do.

  2. He, he, he. What about you, you, you?

    Life is simply too short and precious to waste it on people who don't deserve you. This man cannot commit, acts as he pleases and then crawls back into your favour as you keep allowing him to.

    The only way to handle a vicious circle is to break it. Keep walking and don't look back...


  3. Mandy, this man has more problems than your relationship. You are too special to waste your time on him. I've been married 33 years. We both appreciate a good looking person (my husband and I are human) but would never take him or her home. That wonderful man is out there for you and he will not stray. If he does, castration is always an option. I told my husband this many years ago but that's not what kept us monogamous. It is and will always be love.