I find myself in a slump again. I have no real reason to feel down. I am getting physically fitter. I am not poor. I have a supportive spouse who is also my best friend. This feels good in one way because one's partner should be one's best friend. But I also feel as if I should have someone else I could share the inner me with. Sadly that isn't the case. It's not that I don't have people who would listen it's that I have lost trust in others. Perhaps that's because I have more experience in listening than sharing or it could be my exacting standards for friendship. I have debated the subject with my OH but we didn't reach a conclusion so I have no exciting insight to share. I don't really miss work. I think instead I miss the idea of work. The idea that I am a productive member of society. That I matter. That I count.
I know the rational. That I need to work out new routines, new interests. That in time I'll get used to it and feel happy. But I have to say folks that day hasn't yet arrived. I feel without my work I have nothing to say that would be of interest to anyone else. This is illogical because the work I did was confidential and therefore I was only able to discuss it freely in peer group supervision or with my supervisor. Nevertheless I felt as if I had something of value to impart.
Twitter and Facebook which hitherto had seemed entertaining and interesting has started to pall. Perhaps that's part of my Gemini personality. I do tend to have crushes on things and then my interest wanes. Don't get me wrong I still feel there's a lot to be said for both it's just that I need something more in the way of stimulation.
I know numerous people who are retired and who love it. Many on twitter have shared with me their new found confidence, interests, happiness. Their ability to just be. But all of these things seem to elude me at the moment. Don't get me wrong I don't feel as if I've lost confidence. What I do feel is that I've lost interest in life and the ability to sustain feelings of happiness. My work was my life and without it I feel as I have no life.
Yesterday I cleared some of my text and work books off my shelves. I've donated them to an ex colleague but instead of feeling freed in some way the sense of loss increased. I have been someone who has always enjoyed challenge and change but this particular challenge feels like a dead end. I used to be fun to be with and now I just feel dull.