Tuesday, 3 January 2012

Jade's Anger and Disappointment

Dear Babs

 I am a 24 year old administrator and I have been seeing my boyfriend who is 20 for a year. I love him and he says he loves me and we've talked on and off about moving in together but we've never actually agreed to do it. I think it would be fair to say I'm keener than him but I haven't actually put on the pressure. Now my flatmate has decided to move in with her boyfriend which means I need someone to share. I thought when my boyfriend knew the situation he would offer to move in but he hasn't and now I'm feeling angry with him because it feels as if he doesn't care and with my friend for leaving me in the lurch.  I know the sensible thing to do would be to talk to both of them but I'm not sure I can do it without it resulting in slanging match. I hate confrontation and I'm usually anything for a quiet life but this has really wound me up and I am so disappointed in them both.

 Dear Jade 

 Thank you for writing to me. I agree 'the sensible thing to do would be to talk to both of them' but I'm not sure what you would like to say. On the face of it both of them are exercising choice? It seems to me that your flatmate has the right to end her arrangement with you and move in with her boyfriend. It sounds as if she's given you due notice so I'm wondering why you feel angry with her after all if your boyfriend had decided to move in with you it would have been ideal.  

 I do understand you being disappointed but I'm wondering if in fact your boyfriend is doing you a favour because if he doesn't really want to live with you then it's better you know. I understand you've talked about it but you've not actually said why you were considering it. Reading between the lines it sounds as if you see it as the next step? At 20 he is very young for domesticity so I'm wondering whether he feels rushed? I know there's only four years between you but that can make a lot of difference when your young. I think it would be fair to say young men of that age are often emotionally immature.  I think sitting down with him and sharing your feelings would be a good idea but you need to know what's happening for him as well. I have a hunch that's there's lots going on. Finally I think looking for someone else to share with you even if it's only on a short term basis would be a good idea. That way it gives you both some breathing space.


  1. Discuss it with him, but don't push - an unwilling flatmate is no use at all and will cause more problems. As Babs says - is he mature enough? If not and he does then you may find you are subsidising him and that will cause resentment - it doesn't matter if they are 20 or 40 if they haven't grown up you will end up as mum!
    Get a reliable flat mate who will pay the bills with you

  2. Asking for advice is not the hardest part. Taking good advice is. Good luck!

  3. I was your boyfriend's age when I met my husband and I married him when I was 21.  You change so much during your 20's and you are not the same person at 20 as you are at 25, and certainly not at 35.  That age likely feels a very long way off at your age but time goes fast.  It is best that you take it slowly than rush into something.  It doesn't mean you won't live happily ever after in the end, but give it time to develop, and especially him.