Monday, 16 January 2012

Beth's Bind - I Don't Want Sex With My Husband

Hello Babs

I have read your problem page with interest and of course your blog. I know that you have not been well recently but I wondered if you could help me. I have been married for fifteen years to a good man. He loves me and our children and he does everything you could ask of a partner. The problem is I do not feel for him the way I feel a wife should. I love him Iike a friend or brother. I am not attracted to him at all physically in fact when he tries to have sex with me I just pull away. He knows how I feel and says it's ok that eventually things will work out but I'm not sure. I have been flirting with one of my colleagues who I'm very attracted to. He's recently divorced with no children so any complications would be on my side. He has told me he likes me and would be happy to just see me when it's convenient to me. I feel that wouldn't be appropriate either. I don't want to be someone who cheats and my instinct is to end my marriage but I feel it would be selfish since so many people would be hurt. It seems as if everyone in the family are happy except me. I know you say you won't tell people what to do but Babs I am really struggling.

Dear Beth

My heart goes out to you because you do really sound as if you're struggling. It feels as if you've put yourself between a rock and a hard place. You don't want to have sex with your husband and you don't want to cheat and have sex with anyone else. Can I ask you what would you do if you ended your marriage? Would you seek to have a relationship with someone else who asks very little of you? In fact I'm a little intrigued as to what makes your husband asks for so little. You have children so I know you've had sex but I wonder has it ever been enjoyable? If you and your spouse had come to me for counselling or sex therapy one of the first things I would have said is I can't make anyone fancy anybody. I know you fancy your colleague but I wonder if it's principle that stops you acting on it, and of course it could be. I certainly have no wish to impugn your honour. I am thinking, however, that perhaps you are not really interested in sex with the other man but that you are enjoying the attention. 

I have several suggestions but the two important ones are that you either seek counselling as a couple or for yourself as an individual. If your life isn't as you want it then what is it you want? It sounds from what you say that sex is the only problem but that can be worked out if you want to. Help is available and there are lots of self help books. But Beth  if you don't, and only you can answer that, then perhaps it would be kinder in the long run to end your marriage now? 


3 comments:

  1. I think that it is possible to survive this situation. It depends to a degree on the partner. If the friendship side of the relationship is more important to him than the sexual side, it could be Ok. Beth may have to turn a blind eye to one or two things, although not necessarily to an affair.

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  2. It may not be ideal, but have you tried fantasising about your colleague while being intimate with your husband?

    While you may feel as though you are being disloyal, it might also be a way of reminding yourself how good it can feel (if, indeed, it ever has). It worked for me. I've since lost interest in the "fantasy guy" and feel a little bit closer to my husband...though still not enough to initiate sex. I'm happy enough to go along with it if he does, though.

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