Friday, 9 December 2011

Michelle - How Can I Leave My Relationship

Dear Babs

I have not been happy in my relationship for twenty years. I keep thinking I'll end it and then something gets in the way and currently it's Christmas. I have no idea why this is except that of course I'm scared of being on my own. I've tried on numerous occasions to talk to my husband. I've tried to get him to change and I've tried to change but in the end we seem to come back to the same old same old. When I look back I perhaps  shouldn't have married him but I wanted to escape home and he seemed like somebody who would let me be me. Well he does let me be me but incorporated within that is a level of disinterest that is mind boggling. His idea of getting on is going to work, coming home to a meal on the table and then watching television. I can assure you I am dying of boredom. It's the same with sex it's once a week on a Saturday with little deviation unless we're on holiday. My best friend says I should settle for the financial security and make the most of it but it's getting to the stage that when I look at him I could scream. I know the right thing to do is to leave but her responses make question myself. We have an eighteen year old daughter who has just started at University but she knows I'm not happy and she's told me to put myself first. I know you can't tell me what to do but I would be really interested in what you think.

Dear Michelle

Your question is what do I think about your perceived inability to end what for you is an unsatisfactory  relationship. If I'm honest I feel sad that your fear is holding you back. I understand it it's not easy going it alone especially if you are financially secure in the relationship but it seems that's what you want? To be honest your daughter sounds as if she's the one with the right instincts i.e. do what will make you happy. I stress though that isn't necessarily leaving the relationship.

You have in my parlance been lumping it but that isn't necessarily a bad decision if you see it as a choice? That is accept what you have with your husband but look for fulfilment in other areas of your life. If it feels as if you don't want to do that and if you have both talked but feel unable to change and accommodate each other then leaving could be the best option.

You are right I do not see it as appropriate to tell others what decisions to make or how to live their lives it really is up to you. I'm not being disrespectful to your friend but her responses are probably more about her than you.  On the other hand there would be some who would see your husband's version of a relationship as OK or the norm?

In my opinion there isn't a perfect relationship just one that feels good to you but it seems to me the only way to achieve that is through compromise or it really is best in my opinion to be on your own. I wish you well and hope that I have been of some help but at the end of the day you really do have  your own answers.

1 comment:

  1. I kept using excuses not to leave my husband, kids then when they left home I still found excuse after excuse until in the end I realised after for the 4th night in a row he'd woken me up in the middle of the night to have another row - the reason was I had got a promotion & was earning more than him - so according to him, there was only one way I could have got that step up!
    The next morning I just picked up the phone & rang my eldest son & said "I've had enough, can I come and stsy?" - he picked me up in 30 minutes!!
    It was only later that I realised that I'd left him on our 37th Wedding Anniversary!
    It was hard because it was payday when I left & all I took was £100 and it took me time to save up to rent a place. That was nearly 10 years ago & your life alters radically.
    You have the choice, it's up to you - you can either stay and start leading your own social life - or you can go - I can only tell you my experience, I was scared, but I did it.