Thursday, 17 November 2011

Tony's Concerns - My Relationship No Longer Feels Special

Hi Babs

I am concerned about my relationship with my wife. We've been married for seven years and we lived together for a couple of years before we got married. I love her and she loves me but it no longer feels special. Our time is taken up with either working or taking the kids to their various activities. I've tried talking to her about our lack of  couple time but she just says it'll be ok when the kids are older. We have sex usually about once a week but I think if I didn't initiate I don't think she would. A friend suggested that you may help - he and his partner worked with you a couple of years ago and they both rated you. I looked you up and found you on here so thought I'd ask for some advice.

Hi Tony

My first reaction is that perhaps it's not just the couple time you're lacking? It doesn't sound from the tenor of your enquiry that there's much fun in your life? The theory for feeling good in your life and relationship is to make sure that you have me time, couple time and family time. If you don't have have all of these constituents then you're likely to feel dissatisfied.

It seems to me that the first thing to do is to talk to your wife seriously about your concerns and work out some me time for each other. It doesn't necessarily have to be a long time each week but it does need to be something enjoyable. It's your reward for the effort you make in your daily life.

Then organise some special time together. The special time doesn't have mean going out but it does need to exclude the kids and you both need to be invested in it. The best way is to take it in turns in choosing and arranging whatever it is. If you can get babysitters the occasional night out or night away if practical would be good.

The final constituent is that you have family time together. I guess this is self explanatory but just in case it isn't I'm talking about doing something enjoyable together. 

I'm not sure whether your once a week sex is enjoyable but it sounded dull. The best way to improve it is to find out first what your wife feels and what would feel good for her and, for you to tell her. There is plenty of good help out there and a plethora of self help books on how to spice up your sex life. Take a look at my book recommendations - there's also a very good DVD on there that could help.

Finally some good counselling, there's a link for Relate on the blog,  may be useful if my practical solutions don't help. I guess in the end it's what works for you but making practical changes really does change the way you feel. 

1 comment:

  1. OK, something completely out of the box here, on an evening when all the kids will be at an activity, why not get a grandparent or other relative to ferry the kids and have a glass of wine with your wife to discuss the idea of a date once a month. The date can be going out or a video and a take-a-way with the kids tucked up in bed.
    If she's overtired, take some of the chores off of her for the evening - even sharing the washing up shared with a laugh can relax and be fun.