Sunday, 13 November 2011

Pauline - I'm Not Sure I Want To Be Intimate


Hello Babs

First let me say thank you for the problem page. I wasn't sure whether to write but then I've seen the way you respond and that's given me courage.

I am a 60 year old widow. My husband died suddenly of a heart attack two years ago. It was a horrendous experience. We didn't have children - our choice. I was an only child so no sibling support either. However, I did have a number of good friends who stuck by me and eventually I gained some peace.  Why am I writing? A couple of months ago and old work colleague friended me on Facebook. He's 55 years old and he's been divorced 6 months. We've met up quite a few times and now he seems to be getting serious. We've not been intimate (I've said no) and to be honest I'm not sure if I want to be. I have never been particularly bothered about sex and I'm used to being celibate. I do enjoy his company and it's flattering to have someone interested in me. He's a really nice man but I'm wondering if it's a case of him not wanting to be on his own. I've made attempts to talk to him about my misgivings around his strong feelings for me but he changes the subject or fobs me off. What do you think is the best way forward? 

Hi Pauline

I felt quite heartened when I read your message. It showed that we can experience dreadful things and come through. I congratulate you on your bravery and endurance.

What do I think? I think you probably know already? He's a nice man - fine. He wants to have sex - you don't. You want to talk he doesn't. He's willing to continue without sex. You are willing to continue without talking. It feels like two people compromising but not in a good way.

My advice would be to ask yourself what sort of relationship do you want with this man and what are your reasons for wanting it? Once you know that you can spell it out to him what's on offer. 

Reading between the lines it feels as if you are perhaps intrigued and scared. I do have misgivings about him not wanting to talk - how do you resolve this or future problems without? 

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