Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Darren's Difficulty - After The Affair

Six weeks ago my wife told me she'd been seeing a work colleague, that she no longer loved me and that she wanted me to leave the family home. After lots of gut wrenching talking and soul searching I moved in with my parents hoping she'd come to her senses and realise she wanted the marriage. This hasn't happened and now I don't know what to do.

We've been together for 15 years - we met at school and I can't imagine life without her. I've seen a solicitor and know my legal rights but as far as I'm concerned it's not about money it's about having a relationship with the woman I love. In any case she's agreed to split everything equally so it's not a problem.

I feel so frustrated. It's as if she's shut the door on me. The only positive as far as I can see is that we don't have any children. Please help if you can.

Bab's Reply

Dear Darren I felt really sad when I read your submission form. I can understand your feelings of helplessness and I'm assuming you also feel angry at the way your wife appears to have cut you out of her life and the decision making process. You don't mention any difficulties in the relationship or whether you felt everything was ok? It does seem rather strange. In fact it all seems rather unreal? Is that how it feels for you?

What I can say without further information is that you can't have a relationship with someone if they don't want it. By the way I don't say that lightly and I do realise how difficult it can be to let go, but if she's not willing to negotiate that really is the only option.

In my opinion, however, when a relationship ends, there is always a period of mourning and how long that period is depends on the individual. There is an excellent book in my recommendations called 'Moving On' which deals with much of what you will go through. It's not the answer to your dilemma but it could help.

If I wrote a plan for you it would be mine and not yours which really in the final analysis wouldn't help but my advice would be perhaps to start with the first question which is where are you going to live? I'm assuming that staying with your parents isn't ideal? Then look at restructuring your life as a single man. There is help available out there and I don't necessarily mean counselling. However, I suggest you talk it and or write it out of your system. Explore what happened and learn positive lessons.  Try not to assume victimhood in the end it won't help you. I am sorry for your loss but I know you can get to the other side and be ok.


  1. I agree with Babs, victimhood is not the way to go. Although it hurts, positive action is the way forward, where to live and what do you want out of life now you have a fresh start. It's going to hurt for a time, but remember please that when you start dating again (you may not think it now - but you will) that talking about past relationships does not make for a happy time.

  2. Babs is of course right. But, here's my 2 pence  worth. 
    There are 2 phrases in this that sound so ugly at to be militant: they are 'come to her senses' and 'I know my rights'. If a spouse used language like that, would said spouse be deserving of the honour of the company of the party that is looking to walk.

  3. I think Babs advice is really good. Your main priority is getting yourself sorted with somewhere to live and starting to live a new life as a single man. It won't be easy - but you will get there - take one day at a time