Monday, 31 October 2011

Angel's Quandary - Fear of Intimacy

My marriage ended 18 months ago and it was not my choice. 7 months ago I met a lovely man who expects nothing from me nor I from him. We meet when we can, go for dinner or to the theatre and more recently spend the night together. It is the perfect relationship for what I need right now and he says the same applies for him. In my heart though I know it is not forever. Knowing that one day it will end is spoiling my enjoyment of it for now. I am so used to being married and I do not know how to just relax and enjoy dating. He has told me he loves me and although I do love him I know it is not forever and I do not want to hurt him in the future. I enjoy the time we spend together but I do not feel the same as I did for my husband. People around me tell me he is a lovely man but they do not see us being together forever either as we are very different. He feels safe and he does know how I feel. I don't know if I am maybe just not ready to be involved with anyone yet. I would miss him if we stopped dating.

Bab's Says

Hi Angel

It sounds as if you are a little confused. On the one hand you say the relationship is perfect for you at the moment and on the other hand you cannot enjoy it knowing it's not forever?

My feeling is that perhaps you are not healed from the break up of the relationship with your spouse and that is getting in your way. Perhaps you fear commitment having been badly hurt?
What about you and your friend being just that for a little while. I see no reason why because he is male it has to be either or? If it's the sex that is getting in the way just stop it for a period to give yourselves breathing space. Some people can do the sex buddy thing some find it difficult?

As to other people quite frankly they will often tell you what you want to hear. Being different can work well as long as you value the difference and don't try to change the other person.

If you enjoy each other's company you could say meet up once or twice a week being careful that you take turns in choosing what to do etc so that you are both equally invested. Keep up with your other friends and work out any changes that will enhance your life. Then live in the moment and seize the day. In a way that's all anyone can guarantee.


  1. Hi Angel - I think you should enjoy what you have today and let tomorrow take its course. It sounds as if you are not getting the most out of what you have now through worrying about what 'might' happen in the future - no one knows what the future will bring - so enjoy what you have now

  2. Dear Angel,

    I wonder why you are so determined that this relationship can't be forever? I'm not saying that it should our shouldn't be, but most relationships evolve over time.

    It sounds like you are having a wonderful time with a man you love. What could be nicer?

    Perhaps you are subconsciously sabotaging the relationship. Could the split with your husband have left you with issues around self confidence and self worth?

    I say, get out and enjoy your new man. Make the most of what it is right now. In a few months it may feel completely different anyway.

    All the best


  3. I agree with Sheila- sound advice!

  4. I feel for Angel and her dilemma. Great advice and I hope it works out for her.

  5. Hello everyone... I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate this advice.  I made a decision to relax and enjoy the relationship for what it is, and do you know what?  I realised that the issues were very much about me not healing from my divorce and that it was me putting pressure on myself to decide this early if this was forever.  I then realised that what I thought would be forever (my marriage) wasn't... but that it was good while it lasted.  I am now relaxed and happy and maybe just a little in love :-)  This was the first time I had ever posted to anything like this and I am so glad I did.  Thankyou all x

  6. Hi thank you so much for your feedback. It's so good to hear your thoughts, reactions and what happened next. Keep enjoying life x