My Obsession With Cheating

Dear Babs

I need help. I am 29 years old and work in retail. I met my current girlfriend who is the same age as me just over a year ago. I met her on holiday. Her partner had died the previous year from testicular cancer. She was clearly not interested in me in a sexual sense but I persevered and eventually won her over. All seemed fine until I began to get obsessed with her cheating on me. I know it's probably me because this is the third time I have been in a relationship and this has happened. I seem to be attracted to girls who are in trouble in some way. I think this goes back to my childhood. My father was a violent alcoholic who made my mother's life and mine a living nightmare. I used to try to protect her but I finished up being the punchball too. My mother eventually left him when I was 12 years old but the separation and divorce was very messy and didn't really end until my father found someone else to latch onto and persecute. I'm sorry if I sound bitter I guess I am. Anyway here I am I don't want to lose my girlfriend but I cannot get these thoughts out of my head.

Dear Dan

I agree with you. I think you need help, but not from me. I think the best thing for you would be to seek face to face therapy either through your GP or privately. It seems to me you have introduced some very complex issues which cannot be addressed in a few lines. I think the good news is that you have already gained some good insight into what could be at the bottom of your jealous feelings.

Unfortunately you have given me limited information about your girlfriend apart from that she says it's all in your mind. But the strain must be unbearable for you both and I'm assuming that if she began a relationship with you a year after she was bereaved that she may have a few issues of her own to deal with too?

If you do decide to take my advice and seek professional help. Hypnotherapy could be an option. It can be an effective tool in improving self esteem and letting go of childhood pain. The difference is that you are working with the unconscious processes rather than the conscious. The efficacy, however, is dependent, like all other therapies, on the client's commitment. It is not a magic switch as some imagine. But whatever you decide I would urge taking action because this damaging cycle of yours needs bringing to an end. I don't know whether this relationship will survive but it could mean that in future you will make and maintain good relationships.

One final word make sure your therapist is registered with a bona fide organisation for counselling, psychotherapy or hypnotherapy (see my links page) and shop around until you find someone you can work with and trust. Even in therapy one size does not fit all.

My Partner Is A Serial Cheater

Dear Babs

I am a 28 year old Accountant and I have been with my partner for 4 years. I guess you could call him a serial cheater. He is in a job where he's in contact with the general public and is constantly meeting attractive women and he acts on his impulses. He seems unable to consider the consequences of his actions which always come to light one way or another. Three months ago I decided he was never going to change and we split. But rather than that being a final decision we seem to be going around in circles. He keeps texting or ringing and we have met up several times. He wants to try again. I think mainly because he can't stand the idea of me calling it a day. I keep wondering if I've been too hasty. I have had two relationships before, both of them lasting a couple of years and both were ended by the partner. Do you think we could work it out? 

Dear Mandy 

If I answer your question 'could you work it out'. I guess the answer is yes it's possible. Is it likely? Well you would both need to do a lot of good communicating and devise a plan for improving the relationship. It seems on the face of it you don't know when or how to say no and stick to it. I know you had a dominant father and that your pattern is to go along with things but this really is a case of 'do what you've always done get what you've always got'. It does feel as if you need to start taking control and taking care of yourself.

You didn't give details of your partners past but he sounds as if he enjoys the thrill of the chase but isn't able to stay attached once he's achieved his goal. In fact it sounds as if he keeps repeating that pattern with you. He chases succeeds and then the relationships ceases to have value and he chases again. This is of course a way of feeling good and validating himself which when you think about it is quite sad.

So what you seem to have is two people who don't feel they have value unless someone is with them and the more unsatisfactory it is the more it reinforces their own low value of themselves. I think the best thing would be for you both to work out singly or together what your individual fears are. It's your choice of course but there would be those who would say don't waste your energy, tell this man no, and start working out what you really want for you.

I Feel As If I've Lost Myself

I find myself in a slump again. I have no real reason to feel down. I am getting physically fitter. I am not poor. I have a supportive spouse who is also my best friend. This feels good in one way because one's partner should be one's best friend. But I also feel as if I should have someone else I could share the inner me with. Sadly that isn't the case. It's not that I don't have people who would listen it's that I have lost trust in others. Perhaps that's because I have more experience in listening than sharing or it could be my exacting standards for friendship. I have debated the subject with my OH but we didn't reach a conclusion so I have no exciting insight to share.  I don't really miss work. I think instead I miss the idea of work. The idea that I am a productive member of society. That I matter. That I count.

I know the rational. That I need to work out new routines, new interests. That in time I'll get used to it and feel happy. But I have to say folks that day hasn't yet arrived. I feel without my work I have nothing to say that would be of interest to anyone else. This is illogical because the work I did was confidential and therefore I was only able to discuss it freely in peer group supervision or with my supervisor. Nevertheless I felt as if I had something of value to impart. 

Twitter and Facebook which hitherto had seemed entertaining and interesting has started to pall. Perhaps that's part of my Gemini personality. I do tend to have crushes on things and then my interest wanes. Don't get me wrong I still feel there's a lot to be said for both it's just that I need something more in the way of stimulation. 

I know numerous people who are retired and who love it. Many on twitter have shared with me their new found confidence, interests, happiness. Their ability to just be. But all of these things seem to elude me at the moment. Don't get me wrong I don't feel as if I've lost confidence. What I do feel is that I've lost interest in life and the ability to sustain feelings of happiness. My work was my life and without it I feel as I have no life.

Yesterday I cleared some of my text and work books off my shelves. I've donated them to an ex colleague but instead of feeling freed in some way the sense of loss increased. I have been someone who has always enjoyed challenge and change but this particular challenge feels like a dead end. I used to be fun to be with and now I just feel dull.

Help Me To Help You

As Sundays go it's been fairly uneventful. The usual rituals including visits which I enjoy and a walk. 

It was while I was on the walk that I started thinking about this post. I am not a writer per se which means my head isn't full of ideas which I feel I must write down and share. I guess you could call me fairly articulate and capable of coherent thought but I'm not a budding author. But if my writing talent isn't prodigious I do have a talent for resolving relationship difficulties and it is that talent I have taken most pleasure in over recent years. Furthermore, it was because of that pleasure and a desire to help that I devised 'your problem page' and I've been lucky because you've joined me in the enterprise.

I always get a fillip when I received one of the email forms. Not because I want you to experience problems but because it gives me an opportunity to help or at least try to help. One problem I have experienced though, in helping you, is that there is a tendency to give scant information. This means I'm unable to perhaps be as helpful as I could. I understand you may not want chapter and verse publishing but if you could tell me more and then tell me what you don't want disclosing that would be good. Another possibility is that you could trust me to edit judiciously. I promise I won't divulge any information that could identify or embarrass you.

Finally thank you for allowing me into your lives whether by sharing your problem or sharing your thoughts on other people's problems. This is a fantastic experience in cooperation let's continue.

If You Loved Me You'd Have Sex

Dear Babs

I am 46 year old Office Manager and I am in the process of divorcing my husband. I won't bore you with the details. He's a good man but we simply grew apart. We both agreed the relationship had run its course and he has since moved in with someone he works with.

I met my current partner on a dating website. We are incredibly compatible sexually but he seems to want intercourse more frequently than I do. He takes the viewpoint that if I loved him I'd want to please him and I think if he loved me he wouldn't want me to do something I don't want do. He is also more tactile than I am. I like being sexually intimate but other than that like my own space.

He is in the process of extricating himself from his previous relationship (his words not mine) but he still seems very involved with his wife and his family. He and his wife have had an on/off relationship for years. He has left several times but has always gone back. He says he only wants to be with me but he often seems to prioritise their wants before mine. He says that's because he can talk to me and I'll compromise.  I don't get it. He seems to be saying if I love him I'll just accept his point of view. I do love him but I'm beginning to feel like the sacrificial lamb.

I don't want to end this relationship but I'm not sure we can make it work. What do you think? 

Dear Petra

I think you could both do with some help to make sense of your feelings. In fact perhaps that could be something you could do with each other. I can heartily recommend Relate for couple counselling see details  on my links page. My own belief is that good relationships work on compromise. You appear to be saying your partner does not compromise he expects those who love him to accommodate him. If I'm honest that feels like quite a simplistic even childlike point of view.

It also sounds as if holds his partners over a barrel. If his wife doesn't please him he walks out and implicit it seems is the idea that if you don't please him he can go back to his wife? 

As to sex. It is not unusual for men to see sex as an expression of affection or love and it may be if you were to discuss this just being more demonstrative or loving could be the answer. He may feel more loved and you wouldn't feel pressurised. But if I have interpreted what you've said correctly it sounds as if this has been an area where you have been previously unwilling to compromise? 

Based on what you've told me I would have said there are issues for both of you around power and control and knowing why in itself can help. Therefore, again I would recommend you seek professional help but remember for you both to be in a win/win situation you would both need to be able to give and take. 

Punished By Their Silence - An Unpleasant Side To Twitter

Dear Babs

Many months ago, I guessed that I inadvertantly offended a person on Twitter because I discovered that she changed her handle and unFollowed and Blocked me. I asked a mutual Twittermate what happened, she disappeared for a while and came back to say that I had said something offensive about the woman's IBS and that she too was Blocking and unFollowing me in a show of support for her friend. Since that time, 4 other people in the clique Blocked and unFollowed me. I had a couple e-mail addresses and a second Twitter account, so I tried to apologize. This is hard when you don't know what you said wrong; general apologies sound a bit insincere. I've also sent e-mail Christmas cards, etc. But, to this day, I remain Blocked and unFollowed by all. Do you think there is anything I can do to get back in the good graces of these folks? Friends of theirs are happy to Tweet with me, but the core group remains closed.

Dear Walter

My knee jerk response to your email was to ask what makes you want to pursue a relationship with tweeps who treat you so badly? 

As I understand it you believe you have said something unwittingly offensive to someone but you don't really know what? She hasn't challenged you but has instead withdrawn from you? Then some of your mutual contacts have withdrawn from you in support of her? You have tried to apologise and make amends but you remain outside? 

I feel  under the circumstances, you have done what you could don't you? Yet here you are wanting 'to get back in the good graces of these folks'. If you has come to me for counselling I would have asked you what makes this so powerful for you?  But because I am unable to ask that question. I am left reading between the lines. My hunch Walter, is you are responding to some childhood experience and not to this adult problem. In my opinion these people are bullying you with their silence and you are feeling punished. I understand how painful that can be. But I assure you these are not tweeps to pursue a relationship with. Adults discuss, compromise, solve problems. These tweeps are in 'child' and I think you are allowing your 'child' to respond.

I have heard of this happening to other tweeps and like you they have felt upset, done much soul searching and thought why me? However, after a period of metaphorically licking their wounds, they have been able to accept it has perhaps been for the best. I hope you become one of their number. There are lots of good people on twitter who will befriend you why not connect with them?  

The Day That The Snow Came Down

It's 6.30am on a very snowy Sunday morning. I am sitting with Billy who has squeezed himself tightly down the side of me. Angus, my son's Westie, is asleep on the sofa. My OH quite sensibly is still in bed.  I am not in bed because I was disturbed by the light from the snow and the sound of Westies licking. This may sound rather bizarre but Westies do have a habit of licking their feet rather noisily! Normally Billy our pooch would have brought himself downstairs during the night and settled on one of the available seats but for some reason both dogs seemed to have decided to stay in our immediate vicinity. So instead of snoozing until a respectable 8.30 or 9 am here I am.

I am not as they say a morning person and usually my spouse prepares breakfast which allows me to gather my wits gradually. Of course I spent years masquerading as a morning person getting up early, getting children off to school and then going to work. I didn't enjoy the morning routine but it worked. Now I don't work I have a system that suits me. 

Sundays as I have told you before are what we call a contracted rest day or more properly a day of choice. To be fair we usually choose the same things reading papers, walking the dog, of course today it's two dogs, and copious amounts of coffee. We love it! It's very companionable and because we have the agreement there's no  discord. We know what we're doing. It's what we do on a Sunday. There will, however, be one difference today. We will be without our usual visitors. This is entirely because of the weather. However, because of the forecast we arranged to see our daughter yesterday instead and we'll catch up with my brother later in the week.

Isn't it amazing though how snow disrupts our lives in this country? Every year at the first fall chaos seems to ensue. Theoretically our councils don't make the outlay because it's expensive but it finishes up costing the country enormous amounts in lost work hours etc. When I first started working for myself I didn't charge clients if they couldn't get because of the snow. I would absorb the lost fees not wanting to appear avaricious or disadvantage the client but eventually I realised if it snowed I wasn't earning and so I changed my viewpoint and my contract and the client and I went 50/50. There would be therapists who would not agree with me but my viewpoint was I needed to earn a living. Of course I wanted to help people but I was offering a professional service for which I was paid. 

What point am I making? That for every action or non action there is a consequence and whether it's a positive or an equitable one is often down to us as individuals?

What Have You Done This Week?

The questions I seem to be asked most these days are what have you done this week or what have you done today? Maybe my memory is faulty but I don't remember being asked these questions when I was working. Was it perhaps because people knew what I was doing? But whatever the reason I find the questions mildly irritating,  perhaps not least,  because I feel as if I have to come up with something interesting. 

I don't know about you but I don't feel the minutiae of my life is all that riveting? I mean as lives go I have plenty of opportunity to engage in the things I enjoy. This week I've been to the cinema a couple of times. I've been to the theatre. I've read various things, listened to music, watched television, done a little writing and attended a book club meeting but is anyone really interested? 

I know that most people don't want to spend their time discussing big issues but really that's what I want to talk about. I want to engage with stimulating ideas. If I am to fess up, I have never felt that I conquered the art of chit chat nor have I wanted to. So if that's you're cup of char you probably won't want to include me. Perhaps after this nugget of information it will come as no surprise to hear that the thing I enjoyed most this week was the book club. This month's choice was The Woman in White by Wilkie Collins which I guess you could describe as a 19th century page turner. 

Most of us enjoyed the read but thought it too wordy for modern tastes and a little predictable but it generated great conversations about middle-class women of the period. How they were so easily controlled and consigned to asylums for 'hysteria' or any behaviour considered aberrational or against the societal norm. This could and did, include not conforming to a spouse's wishes. How women without money were not considered marriageable. This led onto a discussion about the pros and cons of modern marriage versus cohabitation and how the marriageable age has fluctuated through the ages. 

This started me thinking about what other people would think. I married in 1962 at the age of eighteen and I married because it was still the respectable option. I also think I married on the cusp of change. Before that most people married for life. I am not tabling this as a positive just that divorce wasn't a choice for numerous reasons. In the working classes mainly because of economic reasons and societal opprobrium. It simply didn't form part of the thinking and it didn't form part of my thinking. My Mother's generation lived by 'you've made your bed you must lie on it'. I didn't quite feel that but I did expect to work through any difficulties we had. I made two bottom line assertions when I married. Two things I made clear were unacceptable. One was violence and the other was infidelity. I was always clear about that. I had seen enough violence to last a lifetime and I knew myself well enough to know I would never have been able to let infidelity drop. 

Would I marry again if I was in the same position today? I honestly don't know. I have talked about it with my OH. We both agree it was right for us at the time and we have no regrets. But if you do not have a religious faith I'm not sure what marriage provides over cohabitation. I guess there are still some advantages under the law but in my opinion the law should be changed to eradicate any unfair advantage. So I would like to ask you if all things were equal what would your choice be? 

A Challenging Time at the Cinema

Another day without real purpose. It's interesting I should say that because it sounds as if my day was pointless. I don't feel it was pointless. I just didn't have anything specific I must do. When you are in gainful employment, be it working for someone else or, if you are self employed the day revolves around doing. In my opinion the main thing about being a retiree is that I don't really have things I must do beyond those to maintain a reasonable lifestyle. 

So today after some interesting chat on twitter about authors and criticism I decided to go to the cinema to see The Iron Lady. I thought long and hard before going to see the film because of my continued antipathy towards Margaret Thatcher. Antipathy which had started when she earned the name 'Margaret Thatcher Milk Snatcher' in 1970. I know that she must have had some redeeming qualities but in my considered opinion they were very difficult to see. Much was made of her being the first woman to gain top office but that wasn't about being female but playing the men at their own game. If the film is to be believed,  it was about her being her father's daughter or, a clone of her father. She had little interest in her mother who appeared to be the head cook and bottle washer of that particular relationship. 

The film itself is good insofar as it's well made. I wasn't sure about it using Thatcher's dementia as a way of telling the story. It somehow doesn't seem appropriate and detracts from a true depiction. It's shot in flashback and with Dennis Thatcher as a ghostly presence in her deluded state. Instead of the intransigence she was noted for we are presented with admirable determination and a woman who sacrificed all for her party and country. Only briefly are we shown the harder edge and though Streep's performance is a tour de force this is where the film falls down. This is a Hollywood version of the Thatcher years which if I'm honest on occasion made my blood boil. I had to resist the urge to walk out of the cinema.

I make no secret of being a life long socialist as I'm sure many who follow me on twitter will already be aware, but that doesn't mean I'm blinkered. However, I find it difficult to find anything admirable about Thatcher. This article by Germaine Greer is nearer my point of view. Meryl Streep may win an Oscar for her performance which is as I've said is good but the film ultimately fails to portray the true divisive nature of Thatcher's time in power.

Acting on Impulse - I'm Attracted To My Son's Friend

Dear Babs

I am a 42 year old mother of 3. I have been married for 20 years but if I'm honest we've not been close for years. My husband is a self employed workaholic. We spend very little time with each other. He's either working, playing golf or he's asleep. I have a good job as an administrator. I am a member of a squash club and I have people I can socialise with. I can't remember the last time we had sex but I've always been happy masturbating so I've not really seen it as a problem. I know some people would find it difficult to believe but I've been reasonably content. That is until our 19 year old son's friend started coming on to me. He's attractive, with a good body and he wants me. That feels very seductive. I know I should just say no but that feels very difficult to do and part of me thinks what's the harm? Am I kidding myself? 

Dear Anonymous

The short answer I'm afraid is yes I think you're kidding yourself. I think there could be a great deal of harm in acting on your impulses. I can understand the attraction of being desired especially with someone younger? But let's be clear even though this young man is technically an adult you are the one with the life experience. This is a potentially explosive situation for a number of people and I don't just mean your family unit. 

Let's say you succumbed and had sex with him. Would that be it or would you carry on? What if he wanted to carry on and you didn't? What if he disclosed to someone else about the experience? How would your son and your family feel about it? I know that sex is supposed to be sex but usually there are feelings involved. I am not responding from a moral standpoint but from a purely pragmatic point of view. I think if you take this particular genie out of the bottle it would be impossible to put it back in.

My advice would be to look at your relationship with your spouse and ask yourself is this what I want? If it is then ok but having sex with this young man in my opinion would be just scratching an itch. The choice of course is yours.